Author: Nique

Blocked Thoughts

I have been lost for words lately. Part of that I have realized is trying to recreate the past and put it on paper. That was my biggest mistake. Often as one goes through trials and failures, one tends to “block”or forget part of the reality, that piece of hell that existed during that time. So trying to talk about the events of the trauma that started in 2011 with my first diagnosis of breast cancer and all the tests, surgeries, scars and emotions that filled my soul at the time is gone. I am going to write about the now, which of course will pull the pieces of the past to create the foundation of my future, but it will be more emotional rather than exact facts. For the journey of my second diagnosis, and the events as they occurred, you can follow that experience on my page at . Today the journey begins with the now. Where cancer has brought me and the road I will travel. Through all my diagnoses and treatments I worked as a Director of Nursing. I worked so hard and was so sick at home that I lost my daughter to the disease. I couldn’t see what she needed because I was so wrapped up in getting through the day, the moment. I wanted to show my children strength. and the...

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Moving On

  Cancer takes so much from you. After my divorce I was diagnosed with cancer and tried to save my home, but the cost of running a home on one income and the disability program in Connecticut wasn’t enough. I was always away from my daughter, working long hours in home care, and still in denial of all that I had gone through. It came to the point that we needed to make the decision to move. The real estate market was horrible. I didn’t have very long to find a new location and find my daughter an appropriate school system, as she was getting ready to start her first year in high school. I didn’t want to see her change more schools, as her life had been so disrupted for so long. I lost my children to an eating disorder, and now in remission, we had to battle cancer. Sometimes life seems so unfair, but you have to accept it as a lesson. You have to believe that God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle. The Obama plan didn’t work for me, because I had refinanced in April and the cutoff was January 2009. The market didn’t even come close to what I had paid for the house, so now there was no choice, but a short sale. As the house went on the market Ky...

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Back to the Real World

Getting home after the mastectomy was surreal.  I knew what I had just gone through, but when you are dressed and entering reality, no one on the outside knows what you have just been through.  It opened my heart to those struggling with amputees.  Here I had lost a breast, that no one could witness unless I exposed myself.  My brothers and sisters in the military, veterans, incidents, accidents that can affect us and there is a loss of a limb, hearing, eyesight, it gave me such a different perspective and empathy for what they have and are going through.  Here I was worried about my breast.  Some of the friends I found on my journey have much more loss than I.  Alex Minsky who is a Veteran of the USMC, and Bob Dobson of the USMC, both below the knee amputees that have given back so much to others.  My long lost high school friend, Randall Brooks who lost his eye as a child, seriously…it’s just a breast.  So why does it hurt so bad? I had homecare services for dressing changes, monitoring pain, infection and the drains.  The first time I had to change the bandage myself I asked my friend Amy to come over and help me. I couldn’t look at it alone. David, my homecare nurse had changed it already, but I just couldn’t look....

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Barbara stayed with me that night in the hospital.  She made sure that I had appropriate pain management and that emotionally I was intact.  I didn’t think I needed anybody, but it was so nice to have her there.  It takes sometime to fathom what you have just gone through. Dr. Iglehart and Dr. Hergreuter came to do rounds in the morning and I was able to go home. “Home”, that was scary. Back into the real world.  A woman came in to do Reiki on me before I left, and it was comforting.  Soon after that, Barbara took me home to reality.  Now that the mastectomy was completed, the assumption was that I was cancer free. I had a left mastectomy. They had to remove the whole breast. I forget some of the exact details because I didn’t journal throughout this time.  They were able to save the implant, which had been a significant part of the surgery.  I was actually working as a home care nurse. My immediate colleagues were so kind and compassionate, but corporate didn’t care.  I had not been working for the company for a year yet, only ten months, so I had to get back to work in thirty days or I would have been terminated.  I was already struggling to save my home in Connecticut.  My dad put so much of his...

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Post Mastectomy

I woke up in my hospital room after the surgery. I was at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, Ma. The team consisted of Dr. Dirk Iglehart, my medical oncologist and Dr. Charles Hergreuter, my plastic surgeon. My friend Barbara was there in my room. Deborah had left as I recall, and my mom and my sister-in-law Helen were on their way to my room. Barbara was staying the night with me, because you know those retired nurses, you can’t keep them away. Barbara told me that Dr. Iglehart had been in to see me, but I was not alert yet. Then Dr. Hergrueter came in. He asked to see if I was alright, and I said to him, “Doc what’s the word for the day”; he smiled and stated “Perky”. Barabara, Doc and I all laughed. I wasn’t ready by any means to even begin to consider what I just had gone through. I knew I was in a johnny, I had two drains filled with blood hanging from under the bandages and support bra that I woke up with. I felt so bad for my mom. She was 82 years young at the time, she lost my father in 2008, and my oldest brother was diagnosed with prostate cancer three months before my diagnosis. My mom couldn’t deal with the possible loss of her oldest and youngest...

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