“Feeling Versus Thinking”


It had been a long day of meetings and traveling when I got a text message to confirm my massage appointment while I was in Hollywood.  I honestly thought he was going to forget.  I’ve never been that “trophy’ piece. Never really felt that I fit in much in the world of feminine beauty and  societies media driven market of what a “real woman’ is, so I must say I was surprised that he remembered me.  My second meeting of the day was running late, as was his, so we agreed to meet at 5:30pm at his studio.  I got there before he did which gave me time.  Time to think.

I had been in his company at events before and he had such a genuine shine to him.  He had a healing presence, although his age was many years behind me.  I felt I had developed a trust with him, as best as that could be.  Sad to say though, he had no idea the demons that haunted my thoughts.  He did not realize that the men that had ever put there hands on me were for either sexual reasons, abuse, or a combination of both.  There was something about this that didn’t “feel” right, but since I moved to California in October of 2016, I told myself I wouldn’t “feel” anymore because the pain was just too deep.  As I started to daydream the door to his business opened and he hollored out.  He startled me.  The dream was over now.  This is reality now.  What did I feel.  What did I think.

He was very respectful as he started a small conversation with me.  We haven’t been in eachothers company since the Susan G. Komen event in L.A.  When the atmosphere began to feel comfortable, he gave my some simple instructions and excused himself.  He did say when he returned he would knock and ask for permission to enter.  “Permission to enter?” It took me deep into my thoughts.  As an adult female I never gave men the permission to enter, they just did.  Suddenly, a knock on the door, “Come in”, I said.

He began to spray this beautiful fragrance on my body and in the air.  The soft mist starting to cover my body. The calming instrumental music in the background, and then he brought out #THEESHANDS.  I was so nervous.  My body that had been beaten by a serious eating disorder, a body that fought multiple battles with the men in my life.  Boken bones did not hurt as bad as the words though.  My scars from my two battles with breast cancer came to the forefront. I just kept thinking.  He spoke a few soft words to me, and then there was silence, except for the musical security that resonated in the background.  His touch was soft, yet solid.  After a brief moment in time, he started to teach me how to feel.  It wasn’t sexual, but healing.  He began to massage the pain from my soul.

I needed to write this public “Thank You” letter to this fine, young, respectful black male entrepreneur who taught me how to feel.  It was just the beginning of an amazing journey of wellness.  A man who could help save me from the inside out, with no sexual pressure, or abuse, but a true healer who was blessed when God created #THEESHANDS.

You are a true gift Antone Murray.

Royal Treatment Wellness