I grew up in a home where sexuality was taboo. There was no such thing as public display of affection, you “saved” yourself for marriage, and sex was simply for procreation. I was “briefed” at 13 years old by my mother about the “birds and the bees”, which included but was not limited to the day I might happen to get my period, what intercourse was, perhaps a minute on where babies come from……..and then it was NEVER to be spoken of again. EVER!
I graduated high school a virgin. Once I finally decided to give in to “love”, which I truly believe was realistically curiosity, I couldn’t understand the hype, was filled with Catholic guilt, broke up with my “love”, and felt that my odds to land a “good” man was now over because I lost my VIRGINITY.
Throughout my adult life from this day forward I struggled with sexuality. I struggled with my tomboy style and my internal chaos of the aesthetic beauty of woman portrayed by the media and often told to me by the men in my life what a “real’ women was supposed to look like, act like, work like, and yes, f*%k like. I felt guilty if I actually enjoyed it. I guess maybe not guilty, but dirty. I assumed as I entered into adult hood that I really wasn’t supposed to like sex. Men were allowed to get it whenever and wherever they could, but a lady, a good woman, would not allow herself be defined by her sexuality.
I had breast implants after my second divorce. I never found myself very attractive in the social expectations of female beauty. I knew I was empathetic and had a big heart, but at the end of the day, in my opinion, most men did not care about my damn heart and they chased that female trophy of physical beauty to have by their side. The breast implants didn’t make me feel more beautiful. They actually caused me to feel even more insecure, because I made myself more noticeable, and then my eating disorder just spiraled out of control.
My breast implants became the saving grace to my first diagnosis of breast cancer. My radiation oncologists told me that if I had not had the implants, that lump would not have been so easily detected. After the treatment team put together my plan of care it was determined that I would have a total left mastectomy. I cried. I didn’t know what to feel as I struggled with my body image my whole life. My son who was 20 years old at the time put it nicely, “mom you ain’t got no game at your age, don’t worry”. He made me laugh, but really, did I ever have game? Did it matter?
Eighteen months later I was rediagnosed with breast cancer. Now that I had undergone over a dozen surgeries to my breasts, it was back. I met again with my treatment team who now decided that I would undergo 16 weeks of chemotherapy and 33 treatments of radiation. I soon would face the reality of scars all over both my breasts, baldness from my chemotherapy, and an anorexic frame from the side effects of traditional cancer treatments and as well as cancer running through my cells. Sexuality, “SEX”, are you kidding me.
Shortly after my chemotherapy started the side effects of traditional medicine led me down the path of alternative therapy and I obtained my medical card as a medical marijuana patient. The more I learned about the healing properties of cannabis, the more it enhanced my quality of life, including my body image. When I had cannabis in my system, I felt alive. I was able to enter a place within my soul that allowed me to feel beautiful, that allowed me to feel sexual, that allowed me to feel. Soon after those feelings where ignited I had my first canna-gasm and it changed the love I had for myself immediately.
A canna-gasm is an orgasm that is enhanced while under the influence of cannabis. The nerve endings are stimulated, so although it was helping me with my neuropathy caused by my chemotherapy, I found it had amazing effects on the feelings of my female sexuality, my clitoris. I learned to understand the feelings that this sensation caused within me. This canna-gasm ignited a passion within that made me feel beautiful. It took me to a place of happiness and peace that I believe we are all searching for. Whether it was self induced or enhanced with a partner, I learned to understand my body. My breast cancer and all the negative, insensitive pain that it caused actually enlightened me to a place in my life that I was raised to only know as taboo. I learned that if you can make yourself feel good, then sharing that with someone else could only ignite a fire that is felt at such a deeper level. I was no longer a breast cancer survivor. I was no longer my scars, but I was a woman who learned how to feel, and not be afraid to love who I was inside.
Cannabis, unleashing the intimacy in all of us.