I must say that my life has been in such turmoil for many years now, between impulsive relationships, battling an eating disorder, fighting not only one, but two breast cancer diagnosis the challenge has been real. I have come to realize though, that the greatest challenge was inside myself. I never liked the image of the person looking back at me. I adored my soul and what I stood for, but society doesn’t give much credit to the soul. The majority of life situations start with how you look, and I was always uncomfortable with that. There is some belief within me that is convinced that this is why my cancer cells were ignited. I had always had this internal turmoil going on. Looking for acceptance from others, trying to fit in to this marketing world of the visions and illusions of what a “real woman” is supposed to be. The girly girl, the “booty”, the voluptuous breasts, thin ~ but not to thin….the list goes on.
There was a period of time in my life that I had breast augmentation surgery. After one year I felt they were too big, so I downsized. I had lip injections, I had eyeliner tattooed, I tried to sculpt a body of perfection in the gym. I still could not find that sense of well being. I was raised by an incredibly strong, loving mother. Our worlds were so far apart though, or so I thought. She had me when she was 38 years old. She was born in the 1920’s and her philosophy on beauty was pinch your cheeks and bite your lips, smile, and leave your body hidden, sacred, for men to wonder. Your character and integrity is what is important, and most of all your education, because no-one can ever take that a way from you.
I struggled with this concept throughout my life. I was caught between my mothers expectations for me, those I believed in, and how marketing portrayed the success of a woman. I allowed myself to be in relationships with men who I never pleased aesthetically, so in turn it continued to enhance the thoughts of the negative vision I had for myself. The majority of my adult relationships were consumed with being co-dependent on their addictions, as it was so much easier than looking back into that mirror and understanding the philosophy my mother had tried to share with me.
As I started to change my professional journey into the small business world, I began to meet some very successful women entrepreneurs. I started to pay attention to how they carried themselves. I was intrigued by their self confidence and the direction of their life because of their soul. From the second battle with cancer to this world of business I began to see something I wanted for myself. I started to see that when you surround yourself with successful women who believe in themselves, the competition and the degradation towards another is eliminated. The energy and the beauty shines form their soul, and they empower each other to find their greatest self.
This is when I was introduced to “Women Abuv Ground”. An organization in the cannabis community that was founded by Bonita Money. The tag line “Girls Compete. Women Empower.” intrigued me. I started the next chapter of my life researching their philosophy. It has given me the strength to begin to love who I am. I looked more into the mission of bringing diversity into the cannabis community. I felt awkward at first as a white, caucasian, female, but I was embraced as “white” is a color and diversity can also be seen through our personal struggle.
The journey to the bottom of your soul is personal. Mine happened to be triggered by my second diagnosis of breast cancer. All of this in combination with looking back in the mirror and remembering the words of my mother. So although “Biting my lips and Pinching my cheeks” might not be the best approach for a photo shoot, acceptance of yourself is the greatest gift.
“There comes a time in life when truly and honestly you get tired of the internal struggled you begin to heal those broken pieces from within. You learn to love and accept who you are and realize that it is ok if no-one gets it but you. It’s not their story to write.” ~ Nique
Reflections of a cannabis nurse.