I have learned that life is a journey. A journey that is filled with happiness and sadness, laughter and tears, life and death and then there is a balance. That balance comes from understanding the emotional journey that we as humans partake in. There are some things in life that we are able to choose, but we don’t always have control of our emotions. Sometimes this is due to the inability to separate rational and irrational thoughts, and there are some who would argue that it is the way we are wired. I would often have these discussions with the medical director that I worked with at a psychiatric hospital. He was the medical director for the electroconvulsive shock therapy program. (ECT) We would debate environmental versus genetic psychiatric disorders with educated dialogue. The one piece that I never shared with him was the fact that I myself had gone through electric shock treatments. Sixteen to be exact. I struggled with severe anxiety and depression since I was 16 years old. The first time that I allowed my “emotional reactivity” to lead me to a bottle of prescription cardiac medications that almost took my life.
By the time I was 35 years old I was in the depths of a serious eating disorder. I did not think 93 lbs was too skinny. Not at 5’6″ anyway. I fought the anxiety and depression that was caused by the relationships that I chose to be in during my adult life, as I did not believe in the person I was. I was lead to men who struggled with their own demons. Their struggle with gambling, sex, pornography, alcohol and/or pills. I felt as if I would be able to “fix” them, because after all I knew what this pain felt like. Instead, I allowed the relationships to bring me deeper into to world of inward destruction. “Your not a real woman”, “If you gave me something to look at, I wouldn’t have to look”, “If you knew how to take care of your man I wouldn’t watch porn”, “You make me drink”……oh how the list goes on. My colleagues and my close friends just couldn’t understand how I allowed all this to happen, nor did my children. Broken bones where the simplicity of a lifelong battle with insecurities and self destruction.
I have finally walked away from the turmoil and the negative recordings that had played throughout my adult life. I was saved by an entrepreneur program known to many as Entrepreneurs For All. I have learned through books and circumstance that fear is a projection of memory. That who we really are is not a collection of parts but a whole. In my case I am a daughter, a sister, a Veteran, a nurse, a TWO time breast cancer survivor, and a cannabis patient. I have learned that by radiating selfless humanity you will become immensely attractive. I have finally come to a place upon wakening this morning as listening to my calming music to “oppose nothing, resist nothing.” I have learned that love is spirit, and that spirit is the self. So the opposite is not hate, because how can you hate yourself, your spirit? I’ve learned gaps are created in places where we allow fear total control.
As others may read this there is a judgement placed on the tragedy of others, but for today, learn how to clean the windows of perception only to see love. Just be yourself. Just love yourself as you are. Say to yourself today, Thank you God for loving me just as who I am.