It was Mother’s Day, 2013 I believe, when my daughter gave me a book for a gift.  It was a black book.  On the cover in cursive it read, “I wrote this for you”.  I used to love to read, but I always felt I was too busy now, or there was always so much chaos going on in my mind that I just couldn’t focus long enough to get past the first few pages.  My daughter knew this about me.  I was somewhat perplexed as to why she gave me this book, but she said mom just read it, it’s a different kind of reading book.  You will get through it quick, but it will change you.  This book still travels everywhere with me.  I couldn’t believe that at 14 years old she had the intelligence to be able to grasp the concept of a book like this.  She told me mom, please just read it.  So I did.

My family and I were living in Narragansett, RI at the time.  We had a cute tiny little, two bedroom apartment across from the beach.  It was a place of comfort, as I grew up around the water with my dad.

breast cancer and nique

Each time I picked up the book and opened it to a new page, there was a different meaning.  My interpretation of those pages could be different today than it was on Mothers Day of years past when she gave it to me.  My daughter and I have not spoken in some time now.  Honestly, I actually don’t blame her.  I have allowed my insecurities to direct me into choices that only cause chaos in my universe.  It is about time that I change my energy and channel my passion into loving myself and not looking to others to find that.  Did cancer take everything away from me, good and bad cells, to recreate an organism of self worth?  To see a world so differently through the eyes of a survivor?  I wasn’t always there when my children needed me.  There was always something I was struggling with.  Now, I feel that they are not a part of my life, my present life and certainly not my near future.  My son in Korea serving his country, and my daughter is with her father in another state.  We reap what we sew.

So this is what I’m going to do about it. Stand tall and recognize my own flaws.  Recognize how I have treated others.  Reflect back to as far as I can remember and play it forward slowly.  Stop pointing fingers at others.  I intend to do the following: Own it, fix it, and stop making excuses for it.

breast cancer and nique

We can answer any question we have the ability to answer. Like “how do actors make themselves cry?”  So, we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.

And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.

We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn’t call, they didn’t call.

No protests in the streets, just a button marked “like”.

No one read stories aloud, unless you are a child.

No letters. Just bills.

-I Wrote this for you-

And today, that page means something totally different than it did on that Mothers Day of years past.

I love you my daughter.